I Fought The Cable Company, And the Cable Company Won

My cable company sucks. I thought they didn’t.

The story goes like this.

I signed up with a certain phone company that provides internet service.  After 3 years with them, I thought I could probably get better service with the Cable company. I thought the connection would be faster, and I would have faster download speeds. So, gleefully, I called the Cable Company and made the switch. HA! After 3 years, I was sticking it to the man. Or so I thought.

The day arrived! I was so ready to begin this brand new relationship. I bundled ALL of my services – cable, internet and phone. It was supposed to be so wonderful. It was supposed to be cheaper, and easier, and blah, blah, blah. It took all of 4 months for the relationship to go sour.

I remember the day. I was happily surfing the internet and suddenly my connection dropped. “No problem”, I figured. “I’ll just reset the modem.”  I happily resumed surfing and poking my friends on Facebook. Until it happened again. Then again. It didn’t stop happening. I even called the Cable Company. They walked me through a bunch of stuff to change the modem settings. I thought the problem was solve. Until it happened again. Then again. It just kept on happening.

I called tech support. I was placed on hold for over an hour. All the while listening to pre-recorded messages about how the Cable Company values Customer Support.  I finally reached tech support. She was very nice. The conversation was light and I laughed as she made the usual, “Isn’t technology wonderful, until you need it” jokes. I could imagine developing a wonderful relationship with her. Then I quickly stopped myself from going there. She works for the Cable Company. It will never work.

This very nice lady was actually able to walk me through some things to get the modem working. It worked for about a month. Then the connection dropped. It was now happening every day. Every hour. I’d had it. I called the Cable Company. I was placed on hold for over 2 hours. I hung up in frustration. I called again. This time, I believe the Cable Company set a record for placing someone on hold. Three hours later, I slammed the phone down in frustration.

The icing on the cake came a few days later when my bundled internet, cable and phone was silent. No cable. No internet. No phone service. For over 4 hours.

I called the Cable company. No answer. Because the Cable company owned my phone service!

When everything was restored. I called the phone company. Unfortunately my phone service was provided by the cable company.They blocked the phone company phone number.  I had to go to a neighbor to cancel the cable company and get the phone company hooked back up.

BTW, now that ll is well, I have phone service, and internet service by the phone company, the Cable company is calling me to tell me how awesome their phone and internet service is.

Something’s Up.

“Jericho”

“Journeyman”

“The Event”

“V”

“Terra Nova”

“The River”

So here is a question: “What do these shows have in common?”

I’ll wait.

They were all sci-fi themed shows canceled after one single season. (Granted, “Jericho” gained a reprieve after fans inundated CBS with thousands of pounds of peanuts, resulting in a limited second season).

So, another question: “Why have these shows, introduced with much fanfare, and produced with huge budgets only lasted one single season?” Were they just God-awful? No. They were actually pretty good. Something else is going on here. I know what that is.

We are about to be invaded.

You heard me. Invaded.

Oh, I can hear the questions! “By who?”

Not who. What.

I have come into possession of the following image. An inside source, whose name I cannot disclose, claims that this picture was taken during the last election campaign, where this “Visitor” can be seen clearly endorsing Obama.

This endorsement was conditional upon the Obama administration using Hollywood to “condition”, or desensitize the public to the existence of aliens among us.

The best way to do this?

Hollywood. Yep. You heard me. All of these shows combined elements detailing the coming take over. They were all heavily funded by the government. The fact that rating were low indicates public apathy. That means the public does not care. That means we are ready to be taken over.  We won’t resist. We won’t fight back. How do I know all this? I listen to “Coast To Coast AM.” If anyone knows what’s really going on, it’s the people who go on that show.

Plus, my dog told me. He wouldn’t lie.

 

Easter Egg Hunt Goes Horribly Wrong

The residents of the small Ontario, Canada community of Happyland watched in shock and horror as their picturesque town was wiped off the map when an Easter Egg Hunt, organized by local business person and philanthropist Sam Swann went horribly wrong.

For weeks, Happyland residents were abuzz as news of the Good Friday Easter Egg Drop and Hunt spread through the local grapevine. Good Friday began as it had for generations in Happyland, with an Interfaith church service at the local rink. Following the service, residents of Happyland and neighboring communities brought their children to the Community Softball Fields and waited for the festivities to get underway. Hundreds of people cheered as a giant Sikorsky S-64 Skycrane helicopter, rented by Mr. Swann, thrilled onlookers with several low flyby’s.

Sikorsky S-64 Skycrane in action

At exactly 12 Noon, the flying behemoth hovered 1500 feet above center field and opened the doors of the huge cargo pod slung beneath. The raucous cheers, filling the crisp Spring air quickly turned to screams of terror as 35,000 pounds of small chocolate eggs became caught up in the downdraft of the massive heavy lift helicopter. Witnesses say that the little eggs became like tiny missiles quickly destroying anything they hit..

Fortunately, no one on the ground suffered injury as the ground crews waved the chopper away from onlookers, still carrying an estimated 30,000 pounds of chocolate eggs. Residents stood by helpless as the pilot guided the Skycrane over the main business and residential areas of Happyland. Tiny chocolate eggs still raining down, flattening homes and businesses everywhere.

Locals were clearly in a state of shock once the dust, and chocolate settled. Lifelong resident Fern P. stated: “It was like the bowels of hell itself opened up and rained down chocolate showers of destruction upon our heads.”

Husband Vern agreed: “We’re a God-fearing people! People everywhere were crying out for the Good Lord to save them. Today, Happyland as visited by the devil himself.” One other witness stated that, “It just didn’t end. Just when you thought there couldn’t possibly be anymore, the tiny eggs just kept raining down, destroying everything in their path. It was horrible.”

Sam Swann, organizer of the event has offered to rebuild many of the homes and businesses of the tiny town, many residents are saying that they will never be able to get over the memory of their livelihoods being ruined by the tiny chocolate missiles. They are packing up what they can salvage, and moving on. However, true to the spirit of the message of Easter, residents were quick to forgive Mr. Swann. As one resident was heard to say, “Bless Sam’s heart. He just wanted to give something back to the community. Despite all we’ve lost, we’ve still got our health – and that’s all that counts. Besides, if the Good Lord Himself can forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done, I can forgive Sam Swann for this little mishap.”

U2’s The Edge Beats Bono Senseless With Unplugged Guitar

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Written By Michael Lonergan

A recent U2 benefit concert to raise awareness of extreme poverty in Africa ended abruptly as guitarist David Evans, more popularly known as, “The Edge”  began babbling incoherently during U2’s hit song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” The apparent emotional breakdown came as lead singer Bono was leading the more than 100,000 concert goers as a huge choir singing the song’s chorus. Bono was about to launch into his typical ranting sermon about ending poverty in Africa when fans claim they heard The Edge babbling like a baby. Witnesses state that the usually calm and rational The Edge then unplugged his guitar, walked over to Bono, and began smashing the pricey, custom made instrument over the unsuspecting lead singer’s head. Witnesses to the shocking turn of events are unclear if it was the second or third blow to the pretentious lead singer’s head that rendered him unconscious.

As stunned fans looked on, a clearly disturbed Edge had to be restrained from inflicting further damage by at least five burly security team members. As The Edge was finally subdued and led away from the battered and bloodied Bono, eyewitnesses closest to the attack claim they heard The Edge screaming, “For over 30 bloody years I’ve had to put up with this lunatic ranting and raving about saving Africa! But what about me? I’ve had to hold this bloody band together while Sir Bloody Bono goes off gallivanting around the world, meeting Popes and Presidents! Well, I’ve bloody well had it! I can’t take it anymore! He can stick the whole bloody continent of Africa up his self important arse! For the love of Christ and his mother Mary and all the angels, somebody had to stop him!”

A clearly shaken and shocked Bassist, Adam Clayton stood ashen faced as he gazed upon the battered and bloodied head of Bono. He appeared unsure of what to do next as The Edge was carried off stage in restraints. Drummer Larry Mullen Jr. was reportedly heard stating that it was like the “Achtung Baby” recording sessions all over again, where the band nearly broke up in Berlin in the early ’90’s. Mullen Jr. stated, “That’s it. I’ve had it.”

Fans report that after several more minutes, Bono regained consciousness, proclaiming that he had come back from the dead and had finally found what he was looking for.

So far, the band has not released an official statement in regards to the incident.

President Obama Sends Strong Message To Hollywood; Orders Nuclear Strike Against George Lucas

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Written By Michael Lonergan

In a live television broadcast on all major U.S. Networks earlier this evening, President Barack Obama sent a strong message to Hollywood, and the people who made some of the biggest money-making blockbusters of all time.  The President, in his almost 1 hour speech called upon movie directors such as Steven Spielberg, Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich to work together to bring a more meaningful movie entertainment experience to Americans. Then, in a shocking announcement, the President ordered a nuclear attack on a certain Hollywood movie mogul.

The President stated that, “In these times of economic uncertainty, I believe Americans expect more out of the people who provide the entertainment we have come to love. Americans want to see more than big explosions and end of the world disaster flicks that have sent many Americans, already unnerved by dim prospects for the future, over the edge.”

President Obama went on to discuss the ongoing problem of Motion Picture and Franchise ‘Re-boots’. “My Administration has been quite concerned about the growing phenomenon of movie franchise re-boots. They’re even coming out with a new “Spiderman” and “Superman” reboot.  That is why, tonight, I am calling on my friends in Hollywood – Steven Spielberg, Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich to what I have termed, ‘The State of the Movies Summit’, to be hosted here at the White House this Summer.

“My message to the current crop of motion picture Directors in Hollywood is clear – Stop it! Just Stop it! Stop it with the endless movie re-boots. If a movie didn’t work the first time, what makes you think it will work now? If a movie was great the first time why mess with it?

That brings me to another point, and that is this: You will notice one name not on this list of esteemed Directors – George Lucas.  I feel that Mr. Lucas has done a terrible disservice to tens of millions of American adults by destroying their most precious childhood memories – that of sitting in a movie theater in May, 1977, transfixed as the opening bars of that now famous theme rang out in theaters across America. As children, Mr. Lucas transported us to that Galaxy far, far away, not once, not twice, but three times. So, you can imagine the anticipation that Michelle and I, along with millions of other Americans felt when we first heard the news that George Lucas was going to bring the first part of this amazing story to the big screen some 20 plus years later. Michelle and I lined up outside a movie theater in Chicago, as many of you lined up outside theaters all across this great nation of ours hoping to recapture that wonder and sense of awe we all felt as young children. Imagine our complete disappointment after the final credits rolled at the end of ‘The Phantom Menace’. We were disappointed, not once, not twice, but three times. Then, we heard that Mr. Lucas was finally releasing the Blu-ray edition, and we dared to hope and believe that Mr. Lucas would not screw us over again. But, as if to rub salt into an open wound, Mr. Lucas showed his disdain for movie fans everywhere with a single word: ‘Noooooooooo!’

I extended an offer to Mr. Lucas, an invitation, if you will. I directed my Administration to make available whatever resources necessary for George Lucas to make right a terrible injustice visited upon the American movie going people. Mr. Lucas, once again showed complete disdain by releasing a video game for the X-Box 360. ‘Star Wars Kinect’, where Mr. Lucas invites us to dance with our favorite characters from all six of the ‘Star Wars’ movies, as insipid disco music pounds in the ears of our children. I convinced members of my Administration that this callous behavior had gone too far, and that this Hollywood mogul had crossed the proverbial line in the sand and passed the point of no return. So, after meeting with the Secretary of Defense, I have directed 10 of our B-2 Stealth Bombers, or half of our operational fleet, to carry out nuclear strikes against Skywalker Ranch, which we believe to be the base of operations of Mr. Lucas’ empire. Our goal in this operation, which we have termed ‘Operation Skywalker Redemption’, is not necessarily to take out Mr. Lucas, but to take out his ability to further inflict damage upon the hearts and minds of the American movie going public.”

The President ended his speech with the following statements:

“It’s regrettable that we have had to take such forceful action, however, Mr. Lucas asked for it when he made those God-awful prequels. He taunted us when he meddled with the dialogue in the Blu-ray release, and, finally, he begged us to put him out of our misery with the latest ‘Star Wars Kinect’ game. We had no choice.

It is the hope of this President, and this Administration, that such strong action will serve as a deterrent to any other movie director that chooses to completely ignore the values that the American movie going public have cherished since those early days of movie magic. It is our hope that the upcoming ‘State of the Movies Summit’ will provide a guide towards a new cinematic future for Americans.

May God Bless you and, May God Bless The Silver Screens of these United States of America.”

(Image from Commons)