Written By Michael Lonergan
In a live television broadcast on all major U.S. Networks earlier this evening, President Barack Obama sent a strong message to Hollywood, and the people who made some of the biggest money-making blockbusters of all time. The President, in his almost 1 hour speech called upon movie directors such as Steven Spielberg, Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich to work together to bring a more meaningful movie entertainment experience to Americans. Then, in a shocking announcement, the President ordered a nuclear attack on a certain Hollywood movie mogul.
The President stated that, “In these times of economic uncertainty, I believe Americans expect more out of the people who provide the entertainment we have come to love. Americans want to see more than big explosions and end of the world disaster flicks that have sent many Americans, already unnerved by dim prospects for the future, over the edge.”
President Obama went on to discuss the ongoing problem of Motion Picture and Franchise ‘Re-boots’. “My Administration has been quite concerned about the growing phenomenon of movie franchise re-boots. They’re even coming out with a new “Spiderman” and “Superman” reboot. That is why, tonight, I am calling on my friends in Hollywood – Steven Spielberg, Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich to what I have termed, ‘The State of the Movies Summit’, to be hosted here at the White House this Summer.
“My message to the current crop of motion picture Directors in Hollywood is clear – Stop it! Just Stop it! Stop it with the endless movie re-boots. If a movie didn’t work the first time, what makes you think it will work now? If a movie was great the first time why mess with it?
That brings me to another point, and that is this: You will notice one name not on this list of esteemed Directors – George Lucas. I feel that Mr. Lucas has done a terrible disservice to tens of millions of American adults by destroying their most precious childhood memories – that of sitting in a movie theater in May, 1977, transfixed as the opening bars of that now famous theme rang out in theaters across America. As children, Mr. Lucas transported us to that Galaxy far, far away, not once, not twice, but three times. So, you can imagine the anticipation that Michelle and I, along with millions of other Americans felt when we first heard the news that George Lucas was going to bring the first part of this amazing story to the big screen some 20 plus years later. Michelle and I lined up outside a movie theater in Chicago, as many of you lined up outside theaters all across this great nation of ours hoping to recapture that wonder and sense of awe we all felt as young children. Imagine our complete disappointment after the final credits rolled at the end of ‘The Phantom Menace’. We were disappointed, not once, not twice, but three times. Then, we heard that Mr. Lucas was finally releasing the Blu-ray edition, and we dared to hope and believe that Mr. Lucas would not screw us over again. But, as if to rub salt into an open wound, Mr. Lucas showed his disdain for movie fans everywhere with a single word: ‘Noooooooooo!’
I extended an offer to Mr. Lucas, an invitation, if you will. I directed my Administration to make available whatever resources necessary for George Lucas to make right a terrible injustice visited upon the American movie going people. Mr. Lucas, once again showed complete disdain by releasing a video game for the X-Box 360. ‘Star Wars Kinect’, where Mr. Lucas invites us to dance with our favorite characters from all six of the ‘Star Wars’ movies, as insipid disco music pounds in the ears of our children. I convinced members of my Administration that this callous behavior had gone too far, and that this Hollywood mogul had crossed the proverbial line in the sand and passed the point of no return. So, after meeting with the Secretary of Defense, I have directed 10 of our B-2 Stealth Bombers, or half of our operational fleet, to carry out nuclear strikes against Skywalker Ranch, which we believe to be the base of operations of Mr. Lucas’ empire. Our goal in this operation, which we have termed ‘Operation Skywalker Redemption’, is not necessarily to take out Mr. Lucas, but to take out his ability to further inflict damage upon the hearts and minds of the American movie going public.”
The President ended his speech with the following statements:
“It’s regrettable that we have had to take such forceful action, however, Mr. Lucas asked for it when he made those God-awful prequels. He taunted us when he meddled with the dialogue in the Blu-ray release, and, finally, he begged us to put him out of our misery with the latest ‘Star Wars Kinect’ game. We had no choice.
It is the hope of this President, and this Administration, that such strong action will serve as a deterrent to any other movie director that chooses to completely ignore the values that the American movie going public have cherished since those early days of movie magic. It is our hope that the upcoming ‘State of the Movies Summit’ will provide a guide towards a new cinematic future for Americans.
May God Bless you and, May God Bless The Silver Screens of these United States of America.”
(Image from Commons)