U2’s The Edge Beats Bono Senseless With Unplugged Guitar


Written By Michael Lonergan

A recent U2 benefit concert to raise awareness of extreme poverty in Africa ended abruptly as guitarist David Evans, more popularly known as, “The Edge”  began babbling incoherently during U2’s hit song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” The apparent emotional breakdown came as lead singer Bono was leading the more than 100,000 concert goers as a huge choir singing the song’s chorus. Bono was about to launch into his typical ranting sermon about ending poverty in Africa when fans claim they heard The Edge babbling like a baby. Witnesses state that the usually calm and rational The Edge then unplugged his guitar, walked over to Bono, and began smashing the pricey, custom made instrument over the unsuspecting lead singer’s head. Witnesses to the shocking turn of events are unclear if it was the second or third blow to the pretentious lead singer’s head that rendered him unconscious.

As stunned fans looked on, a clearly disturbed Edge had to be restrained from inflicting further damage by at least five burly security team members. As The Edge was finally subdued and led away from the battered and bloodied Bono, eyewitnesses closest to the attack claim they heard The Edge screaming, “For over 30 bloody years I’ve had to put up with this lunatic ranting and raving about saving Africa! But what about me? I’ve had to hold this bloody band together while Sir Bloody Bono goes off gallivanting around the world, meeting Popes and Presidents! Well, I’ve bloody well had it! I can’t take it anymore! He can stick the whole bloody continent of Africa up his self important arse! For the love of Christ and his mother Mary and all the angels, somebody had to stop him!”

A clearly shaken and shocked Bassist, Adam Clayton stood ashen faced as he gazed upon the battered and bloodied head of Bono. He appeared unsure of what to do next as The Edge was carried off stage in restraints. Drummer Larry Mullen Jr. was reportedly heard stating that it was like the “Achtung Baby” recording sessions all over again, where the band nearly broke up in Berlin in the early ’90’s. Mullen Jr. stated, “That’s it. I’ve had it.”

Fans report that after several more minutes, Bono regained consciousness, proclaiming that he had come back from the dead and had finally found what he was looking for.

So far, the band has not released an official statement in regards to the incident.